Presenting the appalling presenter

Just in case there’s anyone who doubts your ineptitude, indolence, ignorance and supercilious nature, make sure you include the following elements in your next presentation:

* Ass Narcissism – “I’m just going to turn my back on you now and read all my slides off the screen. Enjoy the view!”
* Tolstoy wannabe – “I know that I can fit the entire text of War & Peace onto the next three slides. Thank God for sub-bullets!”
* Myopia – these presenters literally cannot see beyond the end of their nose and so fail to notice that their audience is either asleep or has gone home.
* Tunnel vision – those who can see only the one person in the audience who is smiling and nodding out of sympathy, not the other 99 who have fallen asleep/gone home.
* “I’m Eclipse Boy!” – “There must be some moth in my genetic heritage; but you can read the slide off my chest can’t you?”
* Hypoempathy – presenters who use the phrase, “Now this is a very important point” more than once never ask themselves the essential question – important to who[m]?
* “Gotta sing, gotta dance” – “Sure, this topic could have been covered in an email, but what can I say? I just loooove being bathed in the glow of the data projector.”
* Jazz hands – a subset of “Gotta Sing” in which the presenter imitates a puppeteer on speed (thanks Mike)
* Slide amnesia – a subset of Ass Narcissism, when the presenter seems surprised that a certain slide has popped up on screen and is forced to read it out word for word …
* Dispunctional – the presenter has no concept of time and is eating into the next presenter’s slot or, worse yet, into coffee break.
* Complarrogance – a rare condition, characterised by all of the above symptoms. (Fortifyservices)